


Say you (don’t) love me

by dcrksun



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Boys Kissing, Break Up, Break Up Talk, Did I mention angst, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, Kissing, LIKE A LOT OF ANGST, M/M, tbh there's only a teeny bit of kissing but whatevs let's get those hits
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-18
Updated: 2020-03-18
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:14:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23125342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dcrksun/pseuds/dcrksun
Summary: After Mark Lee turns down the record contract of his dreams for his boyfriend, Donghyuck learns that sometimes loving someone means letting them goAlternatively: Mark makes stupid decisions, Donghyuck can't communicate, and ultimately, they both get their hearts broken
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 24
Kudos: 57





	Say you (don’t) love me

**Author's Note:**

> HI!!!  
> Thank you so much for reading my fic :D  
> This is my first fic where I had a beta reader so hopefully you guys can tell the difference because I sure as hell can  
> On that note,, the BIGGEST THANK YOU EVER goes to @baridalive, my amazing beta, number one inspiration, best hypewoman and fabulous friend <3  
> Anyhow, it's just the usual aNgSt from your angstiest writer,,, so enjoy ;)

Donghyuck had been sitting in the living room of Mark and his shared apartment for the last hour, seemingly doing nothing but staring at the clock on the wall. That hour had somehow been the longest hour of his life yet every passing second made him wish he could somehow stop time altogether. Maybe even rewind it, back to two weeks ago when everything was perfect as him and Mark cuddled on the sofa, their little group of friends sprawled out across their living room. It's funny how little he appreciated that moment at the time and yet how would give anything now to be back in it.

Honestly, their relationship was perfect. Or, perfect in its own imperfect way, as Mark ever so poetically liked to say. With everything going so well, Donghyuck never gave much thought to how things between them would end. To be completely honest, he didn't think they ever would. Of course, they were young and few twenty-year-olds had really found The One but Hyuck couldn't help but feel that him and Mark were meant to be forever. But even if he had given the causes of their potential breakup more thought, this definitely wouldn't have made the top ten, or hell, even the top hundred.

A record deal. The thing the two of them had wanted more than anything. Between garage practice sessions, scribbling down lyrics instead of doing algebra homework and their little two-person band's growing number of gigs, this was everything Mark and he had worked towards. It was meant to solidify their relationship even more, to be the beginning of their future together.

Except _they_ didn't get it. Only Mark did.

Admittedly, that wasn't exactly an easy pill to swallow, but it was nothing compared to how Mark reacted.

God, Mark had made plenty of very stupid decisions in the time that Donghyuck had known him. He thought it would be a good idea to put an ungodly amount of bubble bath in their hot tub, flooding their entire garden with a sea of foam and bubbles. He also thought the best way to spend his entire monthly savings was bulk buying chicken noodle soup and he even managed to book their little band two gigs for the same night.

He was a total doofus at times but as time went on, 'idiot' turned from insult to a muffled term of endearment amidst kisses, be it after a foam fight in the middle of their garden or against the walls of some grimy toilet in the back of the second dingy venue they had sung at that night, soaked in sweat and euphoria.

This time was nothing like that. Mark wasn't just making any mistake, he was making the biggest mistake of his life. He was throwing away the best opportunity he had ever been offered; he was throwing away his life, his dreams. If that wasn't bad enough in itself, he was doing it all for Donghyuck. Trust Mark, his kind-hearted idiot of a boyfriend to be doing all this in the name of love. Of course, Mark would make such a stupid decision for no reason other than to protect him, to protect their relationship, their dreams.

To make the situation even worse, Mark didn't even tell him. Not a single word about any meeting with a manager from an entertainment company or about the record deal of his dreams or the way he was throwing it all away. Donghyuck had to find out from a desperate Jaemin, begging him to do something before Mark made a mistake he would spend the rest of his life regretting.

It’s twenty minutes past nine when Donghyuck hears the beep that signals Mark's arrival at the downstairs entrance. Donghyuck all but counts down the twenty-two seconds he knows it takes to get up the stairs to their apartment door. It seems silly, that he knows just how long it takes for Mark to climb these stairs, but it’s always been one of their little things for Donghyuck to open the door just before Mark can place his key in the lock. It’s a tradition that’s stuck around since their very first date when an uncharacteristically nervous Donghyuck waited by the door for Mark's arrival and although his eager opening of the door earned him many teasing remarks at the time, it was now just as much a part of their daily ritual as Mark bringing him coffee every morning, and the way they always brush their teeth simultaneously at the 'his & his' sinks Mark had insisted was the investment of the century when they first moved into this place. Donghyuck thought it to be the biggest waste of money at the time, but seeing the way Mark grinned when he spotted them at IKEA, he couldn't help but feel that any price was cheap in comparison to being able to see that smile every day.

He opens the door with perfect timing, his heart breaking a little when he sees Mark greet him with that very same smile.

"Hey," he greets and Mark's reply is a kiss that Donghyuck immediately regrets sharing; it's going to be even harder to say what he needs to say now.

"You didn't cook," Mark points out, no critique in his voice, just surprise. Fuck. It’s Tuesday. Tuesdays are his days to cook because Mark works late and even though Donghyuck honestly struggles to not set the house on fire when making toast, there’s always something on the table that’s, albeit often very questionable looking and even more questionable tasting, made with a lot of love.

"No, I didn't," Donghyuck sighs, more regret and sorrow in his voice than simply forgetting to make dinner would ever warrant. He hates that Mark would think his reason for not cooking is the breakup and in some weird twisted way, that he’s interrupting the routine of their last night together, making it anything less than perfect. God, that’s stupid. Now that he thinks about it, not even a three-course Michelin star meal could make up for what he’s going to say.

"We could order take away," Mark shrugs it off with a grin as he makes himself at home, hanging up his coat and kicking off his shoes. "I could really do with some pizza right now. Or maybe some Chinese from that place we ordered from last time, that was really good."

Donghyuck lets Mark's voice dull into nothing more than a background noise as he speaks about what food they should order and something about a Netflix show they need to watch. He only tunes back in when he notices Mark staring at him expectantly, as if waiting for him to answer a question he hasn’t heard. Actually, that’s probably exactly what’s happening.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?" he asks after a second.

"Oh, well, I just listed some options and I was wondering what it was you wanted," Mark repeats.

Donghyuck wants more than anything to just say pizza. He wants to cuddle on the couch until the delivery guy arrives then stuff their faces with those delicious cheesy slices from their favourite place across town while watching some shitty rom-com, but this isn’t a romcom and Donghyuck knows he can’t say or do that.

"I want to break up," he says after a moment, his voice somehow coming out a lot more confident than he felt. A look of confusion crosses Mark's perfect features. Obviously, this isn’t what he expected.

Donghyuck can almost see the gears turning in his head, as if trying to figure out if this is all somehow some elaborate prank or a cruel joke. Denial is clear in his eyes as he tries to understand why on Earth Donghyuck would be breaking up with him when everything between them has been going so well. And how could he understand? What reason could he possibly fathom when their love was the realest thing Donghyuck had ever known?

The silence seems to last a lifetime and yet it’s somehow the loudest thing Donghyuck had ever heard. A soft 'why' breaks the quiet and the amount of sadness in that one single word is enough for Donghyuck to wish the silence back, no matter how tense or awkward it had been.

Why? What is he supposed to say? He can’t possibly look Mark in the eye and tell him that he doesn’t love him anymore when that’s so far from the truth.

A part of him wants to be honest, to admit that he loves Mark more than anything. He wants to say how it was exactly just how much love he has for him, not a lack thereof, that means he has to break up with him.

Donghyuck met Mark Lee back when they were scrawny fourteen-year-olds with nothing more than a passion for music, Donghyuck's dad's guitar and Mark's more or less empty garage. Their friendship was founded in music, in the desire to make and share it together. Of course, it grew way past that as time went on and Donghyuck's admiration for Mark's voice turned into real love for the person behind it, but that didn't change the facts. Lee Donghyuck fell in love with Mark Lee for his passion, for his perseverance, for his ability to dream. How could he continue to love him as if nothing had happened if he became the very reason Mark had to give all that up?

No, he can’t be honest. Donghyuck knows Mark and he knows himself and he knows exactly how that would play out. He can imagine Mark clear as day, telling him that there'll be other chances like this, that this record deal is their dream, not his alone and that it isn’t worth anything without Donghyuck by his side. Perhaps he'd even say that it doesn’t matter if he never gets a deal like that again, that all that matters is him and their love and their future. Yes, Donghyuck knows exactly how that conversation will play out, but worst of all, he knows that he won’t be able to leave if it happens.

"I just don't think it's working anymore," he says through gritted teeth, trying to contain all the emotion that’s begging to be let out.

"You just don't think it's working anymore," Mark repeats slowly. Donghyuck half expects him to ask him if that’s the best excuse he could come up with, but instead Mark stays silent, as if replaying the words in his mind over and over again.

For once, Donghyuck can’t help but wish that he wasn’t such a good liar. He wishes that he was more like Mark in that sense: fumbling over his words and wringing his fingers and never quite meeting Donghyuck's eyes. He knows he’s doing the right thing, the only right thing, but a part of him can’t help but wish that Mark will see right through him. He can’t help but hope that the next thing to break the silence will be Mark's laughter as he takes Donghyuck’s face in his hands, telling him how much of an idiot he was for even trying to pull a stunt like this.

"Is this about the contract?" Mark asks after a moment. Donghyuck isn’t sure what exactly Mark means: whether he’s questioning if this is about their fight or whether he just can’t deal with not having been offered the contract himself but he shakes his head either way.

"It's not," he says, the lie about as unconvincing as humanly possible, so much so that even oblivious Mark seems to question it. "Or maybe it is," Donghyuck speaks up again, knowing he has to say something else. "I guess I just couldn't watch you turn it down because you were thinking of our future." He bites his lip, mentally preparing himself to say this next part. "Not when I don't see us having a future together, career-wise or relationship-wise."

His words seem to hit Mark exactly as he intends because tears start rolling down his cheeks. Half of Donghyuck wants to brush the tears from his face but the other half of him wants to scream and shout. How dare he cry? If anyone has a right to cry here, it’s Donghyuck. Mark's decision landed them here, forcing Donghyuck's hand to break up with him, breaking not only Mark's heart, but his own in the process as well. He teeters on the edge in that moment, not sure which to give into, but as he watches Mark wipe his bloodshot eyes, the sadness overcomes the anger.

"You really want to break up with me?" he asks, his voice almost breaking as he speaks. "After everything we've been through… all of a sudden you just don't want a future with me? Hyuckie, you aren't just my boyfriend. You're my best friend. This has been our dream since way before we started dating. We can still do this. We can do this together."

Donghyuck isn't sure how much of what Mark says he genuinely means as opposed to how much he's just testing the waters, but his desperate pleads as he rambles on break Donghyuck's heart into the tiniest of pieces, and he isn’t sure if they’ll all ever fit back together again.

It would be so easy to give in right now, to take back everything he said. If Mark loves him this much and wants to choose him over this, shouldn't he have that choice? Donghyuck shakes the selfish thoughts off as quick as they come, but he can’t find the strength in himself to argue. He doesn’t trust his voice not to break or his mouth to say the right thing.

"Hyuck, if this is because of the record deal, I'm not turning it down for you," Mark says softly, stepping closer to Donghyuck, who takes an almost instinctual step back, needing to keep the space between them. "I'm turning it down for us. For me, even. Because music is my passion but you're the one who ignites it."

Fuck. Mark always knows what Donghyuck needs to hear, and this time is no different. With each word, he feels as if a weight lifts off him and in that moment, he wants nothing more than to just give in. He wants to feel as weightless and free as he only ever does in Mark's arms.

"I love you," Mark's soft voice cuts across the tense silence and as he takes another step towards him; Donghyuck finds that he has nowhere left to retreat, his back hitting the wall behind him.

And I love you, Donghyuck wants to reply more than anything.

Instead, he spits out a cold, "well I don't, Mark." If it wasn’t for his heart screaming and rattling inside his chest, he'd almost believe it himself. "I don't love you anymore."

The flash of hurt across Mark's face is so tangible that Donghyuck has to tear his gaze away before he too starts crying. Before Mark can say anything to change his mind or before he can say anything stupid, he shoves away from the wall, grabbing his staple leather jacket that he’d strewn across one of the sofas earlier.

"Write some chart-toppers about your heartbreak, Mark. Then be happy. Forget me," he says, his voice intentionally cold but he can't keep the gentle edge out of it. He hopes Mark will put it down to the fact that they aren’t just in love, and best friends to boot. Unfortunately, Mark knows him better than anyone so it’s entirely likely that he can sense his hesitation. Donghyuck needs to leave, and now.

Before he can make his escape, he feels Mark's hands on his shoulders, whirling him around and he's sure it was meant to be much smoother than this but now they're stumbling and suddenly Mark's face is just inches away from his and Doghyuck wants nothing more than to kiss him even though he knows he can't.

In that moment, Donghyuck can't help but think it strange how much the end felt like the beginning. He can't help but remember how fast Mark turned around at the end of their first date, marching back to him and grabbing him with such surprising ferocity that both of them stumbled, ending up in fits of giggles against his wall. He'll never forget how that kiss felt, full of fire and passion and a type of sureness you could only have kissing your best friend of many years. He'll never forget how he felt in that moment, like the world was so full of hope and opportunity, theirs for the taking. As soon as their lips touched, all his doubts about ruining their friendship by attempting to date disappeared like a dismal, grey fog at the first sight of the sun’s warm rays. He has always known that Mark is his soulmate but he never thought that strictly has to be in a romantic sense, until that kiss. There was no room for doubt after that. Mark really is the love of his life, but he’s so much more that words can’t even begin to describe.

Donghyuck hates himself for reminiscing about this now, when he’s choosing to walk away. He hates that every feeling he ever felt towards Mark seems to multiply hundred-fold in that moment.

He can't help it as he glances at Mark's lips, it’s always been a habit, but before he can make any stupid decisions of his own, Mark's lips are already pressed against his. The part that he hates the most is that he finds himself kissing him back. He knows he shouldn't. He knows it's cruel. Maybe his mind is just muddled right now, or maybe he's selfish, but is it so wrong for him to just get lost in the moment and to share that one last self-indulgent kiss? Is it so wrong of him to be a little selfish before he makes the most selfless decision of his life?

He shakes the thoughts from his head as he focuses on Mark's gentle lips and delicate skin and soft breaths. Now isn’t the time for regrets; there’d be plenty of time for that later. He just hugs Mark close until he can forget where his body ends and Mark's begins, until he can drown out the rest of the world and forget everything other than the here and now.

The kiss isn’t the same as their usual ones; It isn’t fiery or passionate, at least not in the traditional sense of the words. It’s filled with longing, not just for each other in that moment, but for a solution, for a future, for happiness. It transcends physical desire and as Mark licks into his mouth, his hands running through his hair, Donghyuck has never felt so in love before. He’s also never felt quite so hopeless, knowing that it was love like this, truly the stuff of fairytales, that he’s about to be walking away from.

It's only when he tastes salt on his lips that he realises he's crying, but so is Mark and somehow, in this weird sickeningly imperfect way, it's perfect. The taste of salt on his tongue as he licks into Mark's mouth, the wetness of his skin under Donghyuck's fingertips they all cement the kiss into his memory for forever. Their last kiss. A kiss goodbye.

Mark’s the one to break the kiss, looking up at Donghyuck with glossy eyes and gently brushing a tear from his cheek.

"Now tell me you don't love me," he says softly, his fingers gently holding Donghyuck's chin, and as he speaks, he looks more afraid of the answer than Donghyuck has ever seen.

"I don't," Donghyuck gets out after a moment, turning his head out of Mark's grasp, unable to meet his eyes. He doesn't know what he's more scared of: seeing the pain in his eyes or that Mark will somehow look into his soul and see right through him, but he simply cannot bring himself to lift his gaze.

"I don't believe you," Mark says and Donghyuck doesn't need to look up to imagine the look of hurt defiance in his eyes. "I love you, Lee Donghyuck, and I won't believe that you don't love me until you look into my eyes and tell me."

Donghyuck can sense the vulnerability behind his words, like he's handing him the knife to stab with him but trusting him not to use it, but at the same time, he also knows how stubborn Mark is and that he won't let this go until he does as asked.

Donghyuck bites his lips, fighting to contain the hurricane of emotions inside of him. He takes his time but by the time he looks up, he feels like he's got everything locked in an unbreakable cage, his composure unnervingly cool and collected, his gaze cool as ice.

"Well, I think it's about time you start believing me," he says, his voice unwavering as he watches Mark practically crumble in front of him, "because I don't love you anymore, Mark. I don't love you."

I don't love you. Four simple words but they’re the single hardest thing Lee Donghyuck has ever had to say. He doesn't leave time for Mark to react properly; he can't, not if he wants to keep it together. Instead, he whirls around, walking out their apartment door into the fittingly pouring rain.

For a long time, Donghyuck thought Mark would be by his side for the whole story of his life, but as he hears the door slam shut behind him, he knows that their chapter has just come to an end. Tears stream down his face as he walks forward, forcing himself not to look back and he prays that the rain can wash away his heart’s bleeding pain.

**Author's Note:**

> AKSJKDS THANKS FOR READING!  
> It would mean a lot if you guys left me some comments because I absolutely love hearing what y'all think  
> Oh, and here's my Twitter in case anyone wants to scream at me personally for always breaking everyone's hearts  
> [my twitter](https://twitter.com/svftjaxmin)  
> LOVE YA


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